Just for my own records, to remember:
Our last two weeks with Papa
Thursday, September 22- we talk with Papa, and decide to move in with them October 1st until our house is done.
Friday, September 23- School picture day for Sydney and me (hectic enough as it is). Jen Appel out of town, so Papa and Nana watching Cooper while I teach. Puts me out the door an hour earlier. As we are getting in the car, we get a message from Nana, saying Papa has had some problems and they are heading to the hospital. We call Nana back. She is talking to someone, and busy. I tell her not to worry, I will find someone to watch Cooper. She tells me she will keep us updated. I call Matt, to see what he thinks I should do. He tells me to call Jana. I call Jana, ask her if she is working. She is in Oregon. I tell her Papa is going to the hospital, and I don't know what happened. Jana helps spread the word, since I was the first to know. I spend the next 45 minutes, calling and texting every neighbor I have, and all family. Everyone has something going on. I decide to take Cooper to school with me. My mom talks to my brother Michael, and he decides to start doing his lawns a couple of hours later, so he can watch Cooper. (I really owe him!) He comes and picks up Cooper from school. I teach a pretty normal day of school, and get a text about half way through, that Papa had a stroke. My heart sinks, and my stomach is in knots. I pull myself together and continue on with my preschoolers. After school, I pick up Cooper, head home, and break down, crying. My experience with strokes has not been good, and it really scares me. My mom comes over, and we sit outside and talk, while the kids play. We talk about Papa and Grandpa McEwan, praying and hoping for good news. The text updates I get sound optimistic. A moderate stroke. He is in surgery, the longer the surgery, the better it should be (typically). Doctors unable to remove the blockage, now permanent. He will have speech and strength issues. Hopefully therapy can retain him. But the more updates I get, the more serious it seems. His language center will be affected. Not responding to verbal prompts. My mom, the kids, and I go and get some cookies at Kneaders, to take our minds off of things. Then I pick up Matt from work and we head to the hospital. We visit with Papa. His face and neck are swollen and his teeth are not in, but he will squeeze our hand, and open his eyes and look at us. I was prepared for worse, so I feel optimistic, and better after seeing him. Matt and I head to Provo to go to a BYU game that he won tickets to, and Chris and Lisa watch our kids. We start thinking about where we are going to live, now that this has happened with Papa.
Saturday, September 24- Matt works every Saturday. While he's at work, I start the packing process by going through Cooper's closet... clothes to keep, clothes to rotate, clothes to Mason, etc. I helped the kids make cards for Papa, and we printed pictures to hang in his room. The kids weren't able to go in to see Papa, so we wanted to have them be involved in talking to him, and having him see them.
When we got to the hospital, Nana came out to talk with the kids and they gave her their cards and pictures for Papa. That moment was very hard. The kids really wanted to see him. Cooper kept saying, "Papa sick, Papa sick." And Nana would confirm it. Then he would say, "why?" Which was the question we were all secretly asking inside. When we showed Papa the pictures, he looked right at them. Sydney has cried a few times. I'm not sure how much she understands, but she says she is sad that Papa is sick. The doctors gave 48 hours for improvement. If there was no improvement, there was 2 decisions. A nursing home on a feeding tube, or make him comfortable and let him pass. A very emotional night at the hospital to say the least. We started a family fast for Papa tonight.
Sunday, September 25- Woke up early to go to Jonne's "Special Needs Sacrament Meeting." They were singing in Dennis and Connie's ward. The ward was asked to keep Papa in their prayers. It was very emotional to listen to the mutual kids sing. Jonne had a hard time while singing, and the entire two rows of Pages were crying. We dropped the kids off to my parents after their church was over, and headed to the hospital to spend the day there, missing church ourselves. Kenin and Jana flew in around 1:00, while Papa was getting another CT scan. The scan did not show any improvement. We talked with the doctor about what life would probably be like for Papa. Probably never walk, read, or write again. Could maybe learn a couple of words. A permanent feeding tube. No short term memory. No relationships with people. Neither option looked good. Left the hospital around 6, to pick up the kids for dinner at Nana and Papa's house. We all ate together, and broke our fast. The spirit has been very strong today. After dinner had been cleaned up, we met at the hospital again. Missy and Jeff had flown in, and we saw them there. We went in and said good night to Papa, squeezing hands. At 1:30 am I wrote: "My heart is breaking... life is so precious." It was heart wrenching to see Papa like this, and to think about life without him.
Monday, September 26- I taught school in the morning. Nana and her kids had a meeting, making a decision about Papa. We met Matt's parents and siblings for lunch, where Kenin told us about the meeting. They had unanimously decided to bring Papa home, under hospice care, to let him pass. They had a very spiritual time together, where their decision was confirmed by the Spirit. As a family, we all felt the Spirit very strong that day, and were comforted. We prepared Papa's office, for Papa to reside in, and cleaned Nana's house. They brought Papa home that evening. At home, he was able to wear his shirts, glasses, wedding ring, and watch. He looked good, and a lot more like himself. We took the kids in to see him. They held his hand and kissed his cheek. The Relief Society brought in lunch and dinner that day. Before bed, at 1:00 in the morning, I wrote, "Such a peaceful day. I'm so grateful for the Spirit and great family, especially during hard times." The Spirit was so strong in Nana and Papa's house, especially in Papa's office. Walking through that door felt like walking into the temple. The Spirit literally filled my body, and made me feel warm. I have no doubt that the family made the right decision for Papa, even though it was such a hard decision. With the help of the Spirit, tears were fewer. We have spent every possible minute with Papa and family. Nana made a rule, that when you leave the house, you must go in and say good bye, or see ya later, to Papa, so we would have no regrets.
Tuesday, September 27- I had an appointment with Dr. Terry, so Nanci watched the kids for me. She took them to McDonald's and Walmart, and they had a blast with her. After my appointment, I picked up Matt from work, and we spent most of the night at Nana and Papa's. Papa had a really good day. He was more alert, his eyes were more clear. He was pulling himself to sit up. He would sign "I Love You," something that reminds me of Papa especially. Papa and Nana have been teaching Sydney, "I Love You" in sign language.
Papa, was pretty agitated when visitors from the ward and friends were coming over. But, when Sydney and I went in to say goodbye before we picked up Matt from work, he looked right into Sydney's eyes and held her hand. Nana decided to stop having visiting hours for friends and neighbors, because it agitated him, but he did so well with family. We have been spending most of our time at Nana and Papa's, reading Papa's journals. He faithfully kept a daily journal. It has been so fun reading about his daily life, and I have learned so much from him. He was such a positive person. Even things he was concerned about, such as President Obama being elected president, were stated in a positive way, with much hope for the future. The Spirit has been so strong. There have been many tender mercies from the Lord. I find it no coincidence that I read the chapters preceding and following Lehi's death in my BOM reading this week. I opened to my bookmark, to where I had last read, and it just happened to be these precious chapters. It was so comforting to read a father's and grandfather's advice before he died, and to read how Nephi felt after his father's death. 2 Nephi 4:21 felt especially appropriate, and explained exactly how I felt. "He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh." The Spirit has been so strong, it feels like it is just radiating from my heart. A few days ago, my heart literally felt like it was breaking, and now it feels like it has healed, like it is warm and filling my soul. I still feel sad, thinking about life without Papa, but the Plan of Salvation is so clear to me, and the love I feel from the Lord comforts me.
We have been trying to figure out where we are going to be living. Jana has offered to have us stay there, but I am afraid it will put a lot of pressure on her, during an already hard time. Plus it kicks her girls out of their bedrooms. We could stay with Courtney and Tyler, but it is so far away from work for us. We might be able to stay with my family for a little bit, also kicking people out of bedrooms. Nothing is seeming to work perfect, so we will probably do a few days at each place, to not put too much pressure on anyone.
Wednesday, September 28- Cooper's 2nd birthday! Spent the morning doing laundry and cleaning, and getting ready while Sydney was at school. When Matt got home, we went birthday shopping and bought Cooper a present for his birthday. We'd been too busy to plan anything or go shopping before that. We spent the evening at Nana and Papa's. Nana and Papa, of course, were prepared for Cooper's birthday before Papa had his stroke. Papa was actually writing Cooper his birthday card, that he made himself like always, when he had his stroke. He always wrote in perfect cursive.
Reading and seeing this card always touches my heart. I am so incredibly grateful to Papa for his love for my family. Cooper won't have memories of Papa, which breaks my heart, but I am so glad that he can know that Papa's last thoughts were of him. He is the ultimate grandfather and family man. We had a little celebration for Cooper's birthday. We put candles in a cake that a member of the Relief Society had brought the day before, and sang to him. Cooper loved blowing out the candles. Then he opened a present, Buzz Lightyear, from us, and one from Nana, Papa, and Jonne. They gave him a set of books, that he loves. Cooper went in and told Papa that it was his "Happy Day" and "thank you" for the card and present.
Lindsey Black called me and offered an option of a place to live. Her mom has offered to let us stay in her basement. Perfect strangers are offering to help us out, which overwhelms me with gratitude. I'm not sure what we'll decide, but it is seeming to be an answer to our prayers.
Thursday, September 29- Cooper had a doctor appointment. He is doing well, meeting or exceeding every milestone. I finally started packing up our house. We are supposed to be out in 2 days. We also spent some time at Nana and Papa's. Papa is still doing well. He looks really good, and just like himself. I'm so glad that he was able to come home and spend time with us. It is much nicer than having him in the hospital. After Nana and Papa's I stayed up late to finish packing the kitchen. At least I got the hardest room done!
We have decided to stay in Lindsey's parents' basement. We are so grateful for their offer. We've also decided that we won't be able to move by Saturday, and will just move Monday when Matt has work off.
Friday, September 30- I taught school in the morning. After school I went to pick up Cooper and go to the DMV to renew my driver's license that expires on Sunday. Luckily, when I went to pick him up, Jen offered to watch the kids while I went, so I didn't have to worry about them. After the DMV, I went home and got the kids down for naps. While they were sleeping, I went out front to plan October lessons with Lindsey. They woke up right as we were done, and we went to pick up Matt from work and headed to Nana and Papa's. We spend a lot of time there, but being with family comforts us, and we want to spend as much time with Papa as possible. Shelby, Molly, Connie, Sydney, Cooper, Matt, and I went in to Papa's room and sang, "I am a Child of God" to him. The spirit was so strong. Cooper kept saying, "again!" So we sang it again. Then he requested that we sing, "I Love to See the Temple." So a few of us sang that. It was a nice moment for us and especially for our kids. They loved singing to him and gave him kisses. I know that Papa loves music so much, so it was nice to be able to do something for him. When we got home, I stayed up and packed a few things. I didn't get much packing done. We are so exhausted both emotionally and physically, and haven't been sleeping well.
Saturday, October 1- Today was General Conference. The primary choir sang in the morning session. They sang, "I am a Child of God" and "Families Can be Together Forever." It was so nice to listen to those songs, especially since we just sang that to Papa last night. I spent all day listening to Conference, and packing at the same time. Matt had to work. When he got home, we went straight over to Nana and Papa's. Matt attended the Priesthood Session with his dad and Chris. Matt has attended almost every Priesthood Session with Papa. It was a hard night for him, to have to go without him. The girls all stayed at home with Nana and Papa. It was Papa's first time with the girls. Lisa and I spent much of the time in the basement with the kids. The house has been pretty noisy and it is wearing on Nana, so we are trying to keep them downstairs. When the boys came home, Matt went in with Papa for a while. They listened to President Monson's talk together. I went in at the end and we were able to spend some time with just the three of us. It was very nice to be with him alone. I'm so glad Matt was able to have one last Priesthood experience with Papa, even if it was just one talk in his study. I know Papa loved spending that time with him. Conference is definitely giving us another spiritual boost. When we got home, we packed a few more boxes. We are almost done packing.
Sunday, October 2- Today was my birthday... turned 27. I can hardly believe I really am that old. It was so nice to have my birthday on Conference. Papa and I share a birthday. It was our last one together. We actually decided not to go to their house today because we are thinking that Nana needs a break from all the people. Our kids do not help with all of the noise. We watched the morning session of Conference at home. Then we walked through our new house with Matt's dad. We watched the afternoon session at my parent's house, and had dinner together. After dinner we celebrated both Cooper's and my birthdays. We shared a birthday cake, with 29 candles, and both opened presents. It was a nice day. Papa was especially in my thoughts, and turned 73.
Monday, October 3- Moving Day. I am so tired of moving every year, and excited that I won't have to do this again next year. That fact is literally the best part of us buying a town home. I taught in the morning. Matt and Michael moved most of the furniture into the garage while I worked. I had already taken all the boxes I had packed out. When I got home from school, we went over to Nana and Papa's for a little break. We visited with them for about an hour. It was quieter, since it was the middle of the day. Papa's breathing is more irregular and he isn't very alert. He slept the whole time we were there. After their house, we went home to finish the moving stuff. Luckily, Mary Appel told us we could store our stuff in their garage, so it wasn't too hard. We got everything done at about 8:00, and went over to Lindsey's parents' house, the Blackwoods. We met them, and got a few things settled in, then went to Costa Vida for some dinner. It was a late night, but we are grateful for somewhere nice to sleep. The Blackwoods were very welcoming and so kind.
Tuesday, October 4- Matt took the car to work this morning. I spent the morning at the Blackwoods, doing breakfast with the kids and unpacking a few things. Matt came to pick us up at lunch time so we could take the car to the old house and clean. Mary Appel had told us we could take a week or so to clean, so that took a little bit of pressure off us. I spent all afternoon and much of the evening cleaning. Matt's dad picked him up from work, so it was nice to not have to leave cleaning to pick him up. We stopped cleaning at about 6:00, and headed to Nana and Papa's house. Matt's dad offered to take the kids out to dinner so we could spend some time with Papa without having to worry about them. Papa wasn't doing very well. His breathing was very labored, and he would even stop breathing for about 10 seconds. I knew it was the last time we would be able to see him. We told him how much we loved him, how the kids love him. We held his hand, kissed his forehead, talked to him, and cried. It was a hard night. We didn't even bring the kids in the house, because we wanted them to remember Papa at his best. He has lost a lot of weight and is looking very frail. Our poor kids have had so much going on. Their entire world has been turned upside-down with moving and losing Papa. They keep asking when Papa will get better and why he is sick.
Wednesday, October 5- We have been on such an emotional roller coaster, and today was no exception. Matt called me in the morning to inform me that Papa had passed away. It was hard to hear, but I had felt like last night was the last time I would see him, so I felt prepared. I feel so grateful for the days we have had with him. He has taught us so much, without even being able to talk. The family has all been together a lot. We all always want to be at Nana and Papa's house, because we feel Papa there, and we lift each other up. It is a testament of the unity that Nana and Papa have encouraged in their family. We are so blessed to have a strong family unit, because we are able to build each other up, and comfort one another. In happy news... Tim got home from his mission today! I have been so excited to see him and have him home. I have been nervous that we would have a funeral today, and that I would miss seeing him at the airport. I am so grateful for the opportunity we had to be there when he got home. His plane was supposed to land at 2:15, but it landed 45 minutes early. So when we got there, we were frantically calling everyone to tell them to come early. So everyone rushed to the airport, even running through the terminal, like on movies. But one of the missionaries was afraid that his family wouldn't be there, so they waited about 50 mintues to come down the escalators. That whole time, we watched every single person come down, just waiting for the missionaries. We had so many people tell us that they were coming, or just behind them, that we stopped believing it when someone would tell us that. FINALLY, we saw them come around the corner. They were so funny, wearing their bright Ghana ties. When they got to the top of the escalator, they put on some bright sunglasses, and we all cracked up laughing. It will be fun to have Tim's sense of humor back! It was so good to see him! Cooper and Sydney loved seeing him, and Cooper can finally diferentiate that he is Tim, and doesn't get it confused with Alex. After the airport we went to lunch/dinner at Texas Roadhouse. The food was delicious, and of course Tim loved it. He said he was nervous that chewing the steak would hurt his teeth, because he hasn't chewed food for 2 years. In Ghana, they eat with their hands, and they don't chew, just swallow. After dinner, we spent the evening at my family's house. Tim told us stories, and showed us souvineers, and we enjoyed being together. He brought us some bracelets, purses, a tie, a shirt for each Matt and Cooper, and a dress for both Sydney and me. We are so glad that he is home safe and sound! And of course we are so grateful for his service to the Lord. We have felt blessings from his service, and are grateful to his example for our children.
Thursday, October 6- Matt took the car to work this morning, but came and picked me up at lunch time so I could get out for a little bit. When I dropped him off at work, I met my parents, Tim, and my grandparents at Little America for lunch. I think Little America could be my favorite place to eat. It just is so yummy and has the best comfort food. It was fun to see Grandma and Grandpa and to spend some time with them. I feel like we don't get to see them very often anymore, so I was grateful to be able to have lunch with them. After lunch I took the kids back to the Blackwood's for naps, and when naps were over we picked up Matt from work. We spent the evening with my family, watching the Yankees game. Sadly they lost, so Tim only got to see them play one game. We told the kids today about Papa passing. Cooper didn't really listen, but Sydney cried. She asked who came to get him, and we said that angles came to get him, and probably Grandma Mac, and that he is living with Jesus. We told her that we will see him again in heaven some day, and that we can feel him like we feel the Holy Ghost, and that we won't see him at his house anymore. She was sad, but ok. I know both kids will miss him.
Friday, October 7- I feel like today was my first semi-normal day in two weeks. Matt's parents watched Cooper while I taught school. When I went to pick him up, we decided to go to lunch together, with everyone who was at Nana and Papa's. We ate at Crown Burger. After lunch, I took the kids home for naps. It was nice to have them sleeping in beds instead of in the car, or on the floor somewhere. Things have been so busy that naps havne't been much of a priority... no wonder we are so tired! After naps, we picked Matt up from work and headed back to Nana and Papa's. We spent the evening there, but went out to dinner with just Matt's family at Applebees.
Saturday, October 8- Matt had today off, for berievement. We went out to Courtney and Tyler's because they have a car that we wanted to look at. They have offered to give it to us, but it needs some fixing up. We are so grateful for good friends. A second car? I can't even imagine it! We were there for quite a while, while Matt and Tyler tinkered around trying to fix the car. Sydney and Cooper always love playing at their house. Sydney and Kate are such cute little friends. When we left their house, we headed to the old house to finish cleaning. We really only had to clean the floors and the laundry room, so there wasn't too much to finish. Matt Appel came over while we were there with some of his mom's furniture. Matt helped him unload the furniture and carry it into the house. Even with not much to finish, it took a long time. I guess I clean kind of like my mother, still not as good as her, but I like things to be perfect. I will just say, we left that house 10 times better than it was when we moved in, maybe even more. When we were done we went over to Nana and Papa's, I still consider it both of their house and will probalby continue to call it that. After being there for a little bit, I left with Jana to go to her house to make a salad for Tim's homecoming, considering I don't have a kitchen. I always love going to Jana's house. We get along so well with her family. On our way home, we stopped by my parent's house. They needed some help putting a slide show together, and with some baking, so I stayed there to help, while Matt took the kids home to put them to bed. I left their house around midnight, and I'm sure my mom was up for a few more hours finishing things up. I defnitely get my perfectionism from her.
Sunday, October 9- Another emotional roller coaster day. Today was Tim's homecoming. He did such a good job on his talk. I am loving having him home! After Sacrament Meeting, we had an open house at my family's house. We had a very good turnout, since a lot of Holmes cousins are in town. It was a full house and a lot of fun! It was fun to get to know some of Tim's mission buddies as well. When we left their house, we went over to Nana and Papa's. We practiced the song, the EFY Medly, that we will be singing at Papa's funeral. Shelby will be playing the piano, but had a headache, so I played. I haven't played in so long, I totally butchered the song. I can't believe I have played that song so many times. In a few sacarment meetings, relief society meetings, young womens... a lot. Tonight was Papa's viewing. It was hard to see him. He did not look like himself at all. It is amazing to me that he could look so different, and I truly believe it is because his spirit was not there. It made all the difference. A lot of people came. So many people love Papa. He was such a kind, loving, serving person. He made everyone feel like they were his best friend. Some girls in Jana's ward watched the kids for us. It was so nice of them to do that. The Relief Society truly has brought us so much relief. When we got home, Matt went through his talk with me. It will be a good talk. He will be representing the grandkids. I am nervous for tomorrow. Everything will feel so final.
Monday, October 10- Today was Papa's funeral. We got to the church early to practice the song. It is sounding good. I think Papa will like hearing us sing it, and know that he would want us to live up to the lyrics. We have been born of parents who love the Lord, and we are so blessed for that. I pray that we can live up to the legacy that Papa has created. We took the kids to another one of Jana's neighbors to be babysat during the funeral. It was a hard decision whether to bring them or not, but I am glad that we didn't. It was good for us to be able to listen to the words being spoken, and we would not have been able to do that with our kids there. There was another viewing before the funeral. My parents, Michael and Tim came. And Doug Fletcher. Bryce Craig came for the funeral. It has been so comforting to feel support from friends and family, and I know that Papa has touched all of their lives and they will miss him as well. It was hard when Randy said the family prayer, and when we all said our last goodbyes before closing the casket. I was most emotional thinking about Nana and Jonne. I pray that we can give them the love that they need during these especially hard times. It was hard to walk into the chapel, and have everyone standing and looking at us, after an emotional time at the family prayer. I avoided looking at anyone, afraid that I would loose it. All of the talks were very good. It was fun to hear so many of the fun things that Papa did, and about his personality. He was such a great man. Matt's talk was especially emotional. He read the card that Papa was writing to Cooper when he had his stroke. I think that card will always touch me the most. All of us were crying, including him, when he read it, and then we were supposed to sing after. Luckily, we were all able to compose ourselves and I think we did a nice job singing. The funeral and family prayer were the most emotional parts of the day. When we got to the cemetary the mood lightened a bit. We took a lot of pictures together, and then headed to the church for a lunch the Relief Society put together for us. It was good food, and we loved being together. I think that none of us wanted to leave or say goodbye, but we did. After lunch we went home to take some naps, and we took some long ones. It was nice to be able to rest! And then we went back to Nana and Papa's to be with everyone. I am so grateful to be apart of such an amazing family. Papa has touched my life in too many ways to mention. He has always made me feel like one of his grandchildren, not like an in-law. He always takes an interest in my life, and in my family... asking about my brothers on missions, how my parents and grandparents are doing. I don't think many people are close with their grandfather-in-law, but I am. I love Papa so much. I am grateful to him for taking me into his family, for teaching me, and for being a great granfather. I will miss having him here... more than I can say. I am so grateful that families are forever, and that I will be able to give him a hug someday again!
3 comments:
Jolynn, I'm sorry for all of the craziness that you guys have had to deal with these past few weeks. Hopefully everything will continue to calm down and get better! Let us know if you guys need anything! We love you guys!
I'm so sorry for your loss and the emotional roller-coaster you have been on. That card for Cooper was heartbreaking! So sad, but so sweet. I'm glad things are starting to get normal for you again.
I love this, and I love you guys so much. I am grateful for you to be a part of my life.
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